My job - my piano.

I just wrote a new post.
I posted it and deleted it a minute later.

However, I guess I need my journal now for some comfort, so I'll write again and go to bed afterwards.

I spent quite a great day today. I didn't get much sleep and had to get up very early.
I spent the whole day at university and got quite a lot of work done both for university and my TU job.
Then my friend and I went for some fish at a sushi place.
Afterwards we were guests of the Japanese embassy for the opening of an exhibition that was celebrated with some very interesting speeches and great J-food afterwards. (So in the end, we felt a little stupid for going to a sushi place before, but nevermind...)

I was horribly sleepy the whole day and sooooo looking forward to my bed.
When I finally lay down I was even too tired to read, which I usually do every night.

At 11:30 I turned off the lights.

Tomorrow would be so great, it was friday, the weekend coming up, I had done most of my university work for next week.
Then I remembered. Tomorrow I am supposed to start the next telephone calls.

It's almost 3 in the morning now.
So far, I cried twice. My heart is going faster than it should be. My hands are cold as ice.
I went through the situation in my head over and over again, but I am more and more convinced that I can't do this anymore.

I spent the last two hours on google, trying to find out how and when I might be able to quit.
It sucks though, there's only the opposite case, that people were thrown out and now want to know if the boss was allowed to fire them today - and them being unemployed from the next day.

The answers didn't really help me.

I suppose I'll at least try to do calls tomorrow, and in the evening I'll call that friend who got me the job in the first place and try to talk things over with her. Maybe she'll be able to give me an advice.

I really tried my hardest, but I am absolutely not made for this job.

When I got totally lost in thought, I imagined how wonderful it would be to be hit by a car and be stuck in hospital, so that I'd have a severe reason for quitting.
Then, in some shock, I remembered that this was what I used to think as a child during the days before I was forced to play in piano concerts. Please, god, make me be hit by a car and break my arm. Please make that I won't be forced to play in front of those people. For several years, this was the procedure three times a year, when I had to play in concerts.

Thoughts like these are not healthy.

I need to do something about this job.

I just hope it will turn out well.

I quitted the piano and never regretted it, I hate that instrument with a passion ever since. So I suppose the job will be the same.