Insomnia and University Problems

This is written not by the usual me, but by an overly tired shadow of my usual wits and amazingness. Sorry in advance!

But I feel that I should write down what is bothering me, and maybe I will get some good sleep tonight.

In the past I used to have times when I dealt with insomnia. 

I have always, my whole life, had trouble falling asleep at night. There were weeks when things were worse than usual, but after some time, everything would go back to normal.

However, during the past months, it seems that things only got worse.

I had masses of nightmares during last year, the worst during the end of the year. Around mid-january, I had a few weeks when I slept better, but since then, things got really bad.

Whenever I go to bed, I start to think about things that bother me. At the moment, it is mainly my university graduation. 

Let me point out some of the stuff that is troubling me:

1. HU Problems.

I can't find one of my credit certificates that I achieved in the year of - oh my god - 2008. FUCK THIS SHIT!

Even though I contacted the teacher about it, she is currently in Japan and has not yet sent me a reply yet. During the whole search process I have even started to wonder if I might remember things wrong and have never written the exam in that class, and never had a certificate. That would mean that I will still have to attend one more class next semester and get a new credit, when in fact I thought myself to be all finished with that a fucking YEAR ago.
Actually, I already expect this to happen. I have gotten so insecure about that credit, I am more and more doubting my own memories.

2.  Institute of Technology Problems.

At the institute of technology I have achieved all necessary credits, and had already (a year ago) had one of the post grads go through all the stuff with me and check with me, and he agreed that I had everything in order.

However, when I now checked the list of classes I would have had to attend, one of the points says that I am supposed to have had 5 non-credit seminars at the chair of my choice. (We have two chairs at our institute: The language and voice chair and the technics and acoustics chair.)

And even though I took several seminars at the language and voice chair which is my choice, I am afraid I have not had enough seminars there. The fun part is: I am not required to show a certificate for them, I just have to write down on my course record book that I took that class.

Altogether I have had enough classes for graduation (and certainly enough credits), but I might not have made the point clear enough where I want my studies to focus. That is an important point in regard of where I want to write my final written exam and the oral exam.

So I am now thinking of maybe looking for one or two classes from 2009 or something (maybe of one of the post grads who has now left the chair, so that nobody could say "but you were not in that class) and just writing them down.

Fuck this, I always took ALL the classes I could, I would only not take them if I really could not, which means: If I had a class at HU at the same time.

3. Finals at Institute of Technology.

I am supposed to do a written exam which can probably contain ANYTHING. I have no contact whatsoever to any of my fellow students, which means I can't ask any of them for advice.
Now let's look at what I learned since my mid-studies-exam back in 2008. NOTHING. And I mean nothing.
Let me tell you something about what my experience as a student at the institute of technology has been like:
All the fucking "basic classes", which are probably the most relevant for the written exam, had not been offered anymore, as the system was being switched from Magister to Bachelor/Master studies. I had to go to other institutes in order to take substitute classes for them.
Instead of the class "Communication Science 1" I had to go to the institute of electrical engineering and take a class there. I passed it quite well, but the point is: It had a strong focus on technics, and I have never even seen a script of the original class from my own chair.
The substitute class had a whole different focus from what I have actually been studying, and I bet that it did not contain everything the "Communication Science 1" class would have taught me.
The class "Communication Science 2" had first been shifted from the language chair to the acoustics chair, then cut altogether.When talking to the acoustics professor he told me I was to take a whole different seminar instead. I was told that the class that best fitted the topic (!!!) would be one class at the institute of MUSIC!!!
Okay: That class was great, I learned loads of interesting things there and it was great. BUT IT WAS FUCKING MUSIC AND HAD SHIT TO DO WITH MY SUBJECT!!! That means it provides ZERO knowledge concerning the finals.

The other "basic classes" were all at the acoustics chair. However, I am NOT to take the final exams there, as I am literally too stupid for that. I could never quite get the hang of these things. I got through the classes by studying my ass off and still only passing, so there is no way I could ever graduate there.

So here I am. I have learned nothing since 2008. What are the finals going to be about? I will have to study for MONTHS, and it might be things I do not have to RE-STUDY, but things I have never yet heard of!!!

4. My Age.

I am fucking 28. I have studied for so many years, and let's face it: University has fucked me bad time. Not just once, but many times.
How was I ever to end this education earlier when all those obstacles came in my way?
Not enough classes / same small pool of classes offered for years, so I could not attend many of them because I did the year before.
Professor cancelling a 4-hour-every-week class because he does not want to do it with only three students??? That's not even fucking allowed!!! Still, he threw us out of the classs "because of language skills being too scarce", when in fact he was just lazy.

So add these fucking shitty conditions under which I have spent my university years to the fact that Japanese studies are supposed to take longer time anyway, they have 2 semesters more than usual studies.

Still, I am 28 years old? What will employers say when I come and try to get a job?
"The fuck? You studied this long? We will never employ you!"

Fuck this.

5. Hardly any Networking.

I don't really have a network, so applying for jobs will be totally into the blue.
As a student of Japanese, there were not many internship opportunities. I did a 3-week internship in Japan and paid 2000 Euros for it (and the rest of the program, flight etc.). That's it.
My class situation got worse over the years, so I never dared to miss one semester for an internship. I was too scared there would be classes not offered anymore, without any chance for me to retake or replace them.
Think this is stupid? Well, OFICCIALLY, the last year you could get credits as a Magister was the winter term of 2010/2011. That is when I barely got my last credit, so if I had missed out inbetween, I would not have made it in time.
It is only the good will of the universities that they extended the period for us.

The point is: I never dared to go on an internship, and in the end of 2010, when I knew I would make it in time, I could not find any internship before the end of 2012. Seriously, who knows what they will do in 2 fucking years???? I cannot plan that much in advance. And I did right, because as it looks now, I will have my degree before I would have started that fucking internship I would have applied for YEARS AGO.
FUCK THEM!!!

Sure I did jobs.
I worked at a chair of economics in order to bring not only a few economics classes, but also economics work experience into my cv.
However, will future employers appreciate that? Or will they think that I just did not know what I wanted?

I had been so lucky back then when I got the phone job (oooh, you guys remember, right?), so I could say I had successfully worked with a consulting agency on a Japan-related project.
But since I have not gone back on that project, but left them alone with it, I do not have any certificate to add to job applications.
Fuck!
But I can hardly ask them for a certificate, and if I did, it would probably be bad. I know that they were really pissed that I did not finish the project. Well, you guys know why I couldn't.

Now I wonder if what I did will help my in applying for a job. So many others have done internships at some company and work there later on. They have "gained the foothold" there.
I have no such thing.
I wonder if I will be alright.


These are my problems.


So, I keep trying to tell myself that things will turn out alright.

About point 1:
Probably I have just been confused over these things for too long. The teacher will come back next semester anyway, and she will find my certificate which I might never have picked up, or she will just write me a new one.
And what is the worst case? She might say that she can't find any report of me ever having taken the exam in that class. Maybe I have really not taken the exam, but decided to leave class earlier that day?
It would be absolutely unlike me to do so, but who knows. So if I never took tat exam and never received the degree, I will ask my teachers to let me write a 15 page translation of some shit referring to a class I had taken with them in the past and give me a grade for it. If it is only translation, I will - maximum - need 2 weeks for that. No problem!

About point 2:
Not only that I can surely add one or two classes here or there, I was planning to attend one or two seminars next semester anyway, just to get back on track with what is actually studied and researched at that chair and to remember all the stuff I have already done and mastered. So what is the fucking point in worrying when things will turn out good anyway?

About point 3:
First of all: I have quite a lot of material that leads up to the mid-studies-exam. I am going to study that shit anyway. I will also contact the post docs working at the chair. I will ask them if they have any recommended textbooks or scripts from the classes back when they were given at that chair. I will ask them about the exams, what to expect, what to do, how to prepare. Then I will study the fucking shit, even if it is going to take a year.

About point 4:
Yes. I am old. I have taken too long. But still: Most people I know have made their diploma around the age of 27. Okay, the men have had a year of army/civil service, but then again, most university courses require 9 semesters to finish. That means 4.5 years. Add a semester of studying for your finals in the Magister courses, then you get 10 semesters = 5 years.
Now in Japanese, the standard period is not 9 semesters, but 11. That means, our minimum is 6 years to complete everything.
Now add one year at a Japanese university. It is strongly recommended to go there, but as a Magister, I could not use any of the classes I attended there for my German university. So in that respect, it was one wasted year.
So we are already at a period of SEVEN fucking years of studying if, and that is IFFFF, everything else goes perfectly smooth.

However, in my case, it did not go smooth, and the fuck was not my fault!

So many other students graduate at 27 or even 28, when in fact, they had much better conditions than me. They had as many classes as they wanted. If they decided to take just two classes in one semester in order to pass the fucking hard exams in those two classes, they would use the next semester to attend as many classes as possible, but only do a presentation in a few of them. (Presentations can suck bad time as well, but I still think they are NOTHING compared with a written exam with loads of maths in it.)
So why THE HELL am I so worried about this?
So many other students are taking long as well! And I certainly had more shit to deal with than most other students I know.

About point 5:
So what? I am good at what I do! I also look decent and am well-behaved. I will be a great co-worker and people will get along with me fine. I make a great impression at interviews, that was always a strong point of me.
While I have so many problems in finding friends and dealing with foreign people in private life, I do these things greatly when at work.
Someone will want me. Someone will need me. I will make it.



I keep telling me these things. I keep telling myself that things will turn out alright, and that everything will be good in the end.
And it kind of works during the daytime. But the demons come out at night.
I lay down in bed around 11, or maybe 12. I will read in a book for half an hour, then switch off the lights and listen to some TKKG episode. I will doze off and the last thing I will think is something like: Now you can finally sleep without thinking about university.
UNIVERSITY!!!
BODOMBODOMBODOMBODOMBODOM and my heart will freak out and I will almost burst out in tears in the dark, breathing as if I was running, holding my chest and being fucking scared.
I will calm myself down, I will even use meditation techniques and calm myself down.

Around 4 am I will finally settle to sleep, but even when I fall asleep, my heart is beating way too fast.

I usually want to get up around 8 in the morning. From 11-8, or from 12-8, is an absolutely sufficient amount of sleep.
But when you only sleep from 4-8, that can be okay for 3 days, maybe four. But I have been living like that for weeks.
I let myself sleep in on sundays (only day I did not go to university or at least work on my thesis), which results in me sleeping until 2 in the afternoon because my body is so exhausted.

I can hardly get up in the mornings, and very often keep lying in bed until 9:30 when I finally find the strength to get up.
My heart feels like after a long run in the mornings, which only proves to me that it worked way too hard during the night.
It hurts.
I started the jogging season 2 weeks ago, but only went on sundays so far. I run so slow, and my heart frequency looks alright on my polar watch. But I can feel that, unlike earlier years, there is no way I could do some speed training here and there. My heart feels as if it could not take intense training.



I hate this so much!


I hate all this so much.


So now I have decided that I will carefully watch my development over the next 4 weeks. I will see if the running contributes to my overall health, and if my mind will calm down after being upset all the time.

But if things are still not going to be at least a little better in 4 weeks, I will see a doctor about it.


So, now it's 0:30 and I should be in bed, and that is where I am going.

I hope that, after writing all this stuff down, I might have calmed down a little. But even now as I am typing, the thought of going to bed now is making my heart go faster. Fuck it.

Calm the fuck down!

Anyway: Thank you SO MUCH my fellow students who give me so much moral support these days! Seriously, it might not always seem like it, but it means the world to me!


Did anyone even read through this twenty page something shit?
Nevermind.

Aaaaaaand goodnight.